My MS

http://tedxtalks.ted.com/video/TEDxEast-Ari-Meisel-Beats-Crohn

I might be having a relapse. I might be jumping into a new stage of of disability. I don't really know, I'll probably never know, and I know I don't know what to do. 

KNOW

a (1) : to perceive directly : have direct cognition of (2) : to have understanding of <importance of knowing oneself> (3) : to recognize the nature of : discern
b (1) : to recognize as being the same as something previously known (2) : to be acquainted or familiar with (3) : to have experience of

2

a : to be aware of the truth or factuality of : be convinced or certain of
b : to have a practical understanding of <knows how to write>

3

archaic : to have sexual intercourse with

This is the definition of KNOW. These are all of the things I lack when it comes to multiple sclerosis. (I left the archaic definition in because it made me giggle. Nothing can steal my potty humor.)

I see TED talks of people healing themselves of autoimmune illness with diet and exercise. I see that that video of the very strong willed man who used yoga to regain mobility. I should be inspired. Instead, I am selfish. I am jealous. I am angry. 

YOU MUST UNDERSTAND I HAVE TAKEN EVERY MEDICATION EXCEPT GILEYNA (MY  HEART ISSUES EXCLUDE ME) I am no longer on chemotherapy (cellcept, imuran, tysabri). I probably owe the use of those medications to my sinus problems. I have gallstones and kidney stones. I guess I had a gallbladder attack a few weeks ago that sent me to the ER (the pain was confusing). I could not empty my bladder at the hospital. I had to have an in and out catheter to check my urine for infection. I most likely was dehydrated from the vomiting from the nausea. So, the well meaning and not informed doctors sent me home with a catheter to give my bladder a break. The catheter was not emptying correctly. That led to a whole new kind of pain. So, I took it out. Besides, the last thing my already lagging bladder needs is a week long break. It'll never pee on its own again.

I am so tired. All of the time. It isn't fair to my kids. I hate it. I fall asleep like I have narcolepsy. Then, I wake up and Boy#3 is sitting there watching me and he pats my arm and says, "You feel better? You got a rest." It kills me.

I don't want to be Superman. I don't want to run with tires around my waist. I just want to not be weak. I'm at that place where I am willing to eat worms.

 http://autoimmunetherapies.com/helminthic-therapy-worm-therapy-index.html