This last week has been a terrible week for everyone.
I felt tremendously sad - especially sad that the media showed little restraint with reporting and that everything instantly became political.
Then, I am Adam Lanza's Mother went viral. It made me really angry. I shut every thing down, turned every thing off, and just stewed. Why did it make me so angry? I guess the answer is the tone of the blog. So much anger and resentment. As if MI kids need more anger and resentment! It might bring awareness, but not the kind I personally think there needs to be. Can't something reasonable go viral?
Mental Illnesses have similarities. I think every parent who has a child with mental illness knows this. So, I will not spend time comparing any of my sons to Adam Lanza.
What I will talk about, what resonates so deeply within me, is Nancy Lanza's story. Her story is MY story.
The bleak isolation. I often have to piece myself together to get out and do things. Yet, still, I am set apart. Worlds apart if I have my children with me. Over time, trying to weather the storm that is childhood mental illness, a toll is taken on all those around. People might say, "Take care of YOU first!". Yeah, right. *followed by a hysterical laugh* It doesn't happen that way. Mentally, I do okay. Physically, I am a mess! I have progressive multiple sclerosis, diabetes, and I just get sick easily. I am just worn out. 5 days out of the week, I go to bed thinking, "How will I get up tomorrow? My body is just going to give.". So far, I keep getting up. Sheer force of will.
There are reports that she fought with the school system and tried home schooling. Boy, can I ever relate to that! I tried everything. Finally, we pay out of pocket for private school and have no extra money. Oh, well. I know I am lucky to be able to do that! To see your child systemically rejected by their peers is really hard. To see them rejected by educators and the system is heart breaking. Those people are supposed to help. Not add more harm.
She was divorced and handled everything regarding care for her son. I am not divorced. Marriage is hard, leave it at that. But, I do make all of the decisions regarding care. It is absolutely exhausting. Plus, when things go wrong, who's to blame? Well. The Mother.
Which brings me to the thing that makes me saddest of all. Our actions right now are blaming the mother. There was no bell chimed for the mother. Poor Nancy Lanza is not included in any of the memorials. How wretched. Horrible. Awful. I mourn your loss, Nancy Lanza. Part of my heart belongs to you, Nancy. Because we are the same kind of mothers.
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